Real Gratitude vs. Performative Thanks: A Guide for Leaders

Gratitude often wears the halo of positivity and healing, but beneath its gleaming surface lies a complex truth: gratitude can sometimes mask pain rather than heal it. The prevalent advice to “just be grateful” can inadvertently silence our valid struggles, as if expressing pain or striving for more were somehow ungrateful.

When gratitude morphs into phrases like:

• “At least you have a job.”

• “Others have it worse.”

• “Be thankful he stayed.”

Then it ceases to be a source of comfort and instead becomes a form of emotional gaslighting: minimizing real suffering and invalidating personal experiences. This kind of toxic gratitude traps people in a prison of silence, blocking pathways to genuine healing and meaningful change.

The Science of Gratitude: Healing Backed by Research
Yet gratitude is far more than empty platitudes. Decades of neuroscience and mental health research reveal its powerful benefits. Regular gratitude practice: such as journaling; has been shown to:

• Boost optimism

• Enhance physical health

• Sharpen focus

Neuroscientifically, gratitude activates the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, a brain region associated with altruism, making the act of giving more rewarding than receiving.

Physiologically, it lowers cortisol (the stress hormone) by up to 23%, promoting emotional balance during pressure-filled moments. Entrepreneurs and leaders who cultivate gratitude often report better decision-making and reduced overwhelm.

Beyond individuals, organisations that embed gratitude into their culture see boosts in trust, loyalty, and overall effectiveness.

Ancient Wisdom: Gratitude’s Roots in African & Asian Philosophy

The insights about gratitude’s power are supported by ancient philosophies:

Ma’at (Ancient Egypt): Centered on truth, balance, and order, it taught about the moral duty to share:
“Do not eat bread without giving some to those near you who do not have anything to eat.”

Ubuntu (Southern Africa): Meaning “I am because we are,” Ubuntu emphasizes interconnectedness and empathy. Gratitude is seen as inherently relational, not an individual pursuit.

Omoluwabi (Yoruba culture): Prioritizes humanity, integrity, and positive community impact over material wealth, illustrated by the proverb:

“Wisdom and Knowledge is the key to life not money.”

Zera Yacob (Ethiopian philosopher): Championed a gratitude rooted in recognizing shared human dignity and divine connection.

Shukr (Islamic tradition, common in Asia): Highlights gratitude both in blessings and hardships, as exemplified by the teaching:
“When a pleasing event happened … he would say, ‘Praise be to God for this blessing,’ and when a distressing event happened … ‘Praise be to God at all times.’’

Gratitude for Entrepreneurs & Leaders: Grounding, Not Gaslighting

For modern entrepreneurs and leaders, authentic gratitude:

• Builds resilience and mental clarity

• Nurtures team cohesion

• Fuels vision and effective leadership

But authenticity is key; it is not about performative or forced positivity. Some gratitude practices worth exploring:

• Nuanced Journaling: Focusing on specific people or surprising moments once or twice a week, shown to be more impactful than daily generic lists.

• Gratitude Letters: Writing these fosters lasting emotional connections.

• Ubuntu & Omoluwabi-Inspired Expressions: Showing genuine appreciation for team effort, respecting individuals, and investing in collective well-being, not just outcomes.

• Boundary-Aware Gratitude: Expressing thanks only when genuine, avoiding pressure to be positive.

• Truthful Gratitude: Pairing gratitude with calls for fairness and improvement, making it a form of grounding honest leadership rather than escapism.

How to Cultivate a Meaningful and Effective Gratitude Practice

To make gratitude genuinely effective and meaningful, here are several key steps to cultivate the practice thoughtfully:

1. Be Specific and Authentic: Instead of listing generic blessings, focus on particular people, moments, or experiences that genuinely move you. Specificity deepens emotional impact and makes gratitude feel real and personal.

2. Practice Regularly, But with Intention: Daily gratitude lists may become rote and lose meaning. Aim for once or twice a week, focusing on quality and reflection, allowing deeper appreciation and insight.

3. Express Gratitude Through Action: Beyond internal reflection, write gratitude letters or verbally thank people. Authentic expressions build stronger relationships and deepen the sense of community and shared humanity.

4. Include Challenges in Your Gratitude: Recognize not only the good but also how difficult experiences have contributed to growth or understanding. Embrace gratitude that acknowledges complexity and truth.

5. Create a Safe Space for Gratitude: Share your gratitude where you feel seen and supported, not forced to be positive. This encourages honesty and nurtures vulnerability.

6. Balance Gratitude with Advocacy: Use gratitude as a foundation but pair it with honest calls for fairness, justice, or improvement. This prevents gratitude from becoming a tool for complacency or suppression of valid needs.

7. Incorporate Philosophical or Spiritual Anchors: Drawing on concepts like Ubuntu or Shukr can deepen your practice, reminding you of interconnectedness and gratitude’s role in a wider context of life’s balance.

Rebalancing Gratitude: Healing with Truth, Not Evasion
The antidote to toxic gratitude is embracing truth first.

Real gratitude:

• Recognizes pain rather than glossing over it

• Validates human growth instead of stifling it

• Coexists with dissatisfaction, enabling authenticity and deeper connection

Ancient wisdom reminds us of this balance, some of our favourite quotes:

• “Do not eat bread without giving some to those near you who do not have anything to eat.” (Ancient Egyptian maxim)

• “I am because we are.” (Ubuntu philosophy)

• “Wisdom and Knowledge is the key to life not money.” (Yoruba proverb)

• “Praise be to God for this blessing… Praise be to God at all times.” (Prophet Muhammad, exemplifying Shukr)

• “If you cannot be grateful for what you have received, then be thankful for what you have been spared.” -Yiddish proverb 

Gratitude, when wielded with awareness and care, is a potent tool for healing and growth. But when weaponized or misapplied, it can veil pain and hinder honest progress. For leaders and entrepreneurs, embracing the balance means nurturing gratitude as a genuine practice: never a mask for silence, but a path toward transformative, truthful leadership.

How have you experienced gratitude in your own journey, has it been a source of healing or a barrier to honest growth? Let’s explore together.